Beyond the Pitch - Ella Toone: Navigating grief after losing her father

Content Warning: This article discusses grief and loss.

In September 2024, England Lioness Ella Toone lost her father to cancer. The day after his passing, she was back in training, giving her all at every session and starting every match. It wasn’t until November, when she tore her calf in training, that everything came to a stop. The injury forced Ella to pause and take a step back from the game, not only to recover physically but also to grieve and heal mentally. Looking back, she now sees that the injury was a blessing in disguise, realising that she should have taken time to process everything before returning to the pitch.

The game she once loved and which had been her source of happiness was no longer the same. She wanted to do it for him – to score, to make him proud. But the goals just weren’t coming, and she started to wonder if she ever would.

“As much as I wanted to do that for him, for my own sake I should’ve probably taken a step back, had time to process it. Now looking back, I played with pressure.”

To this day, Ella’s family remains her unwavering support system. Her father had always been by her side, taking her to every game – home, away, and across the globe – loving every moment of watching her train. Their belief in her helped her reach the heights she’s at now, scoring goals, winning trophies with her club, and playing for her country. Though her father is no longer with her, his influence remains, and she feels he’s watching over her, proud of the woman she has become.

“He was really important, he was obsessed with football […] loved taking me, obsessed with women’s football, loved everything about it, took me home, away, took me everywhere all over the world. It’s been difficult without him, but I know that’s what he would want me to do.”

Grief is unpredictable – it can catch you off guard, even on days that seem just fine. Ella’s time away from football has helped her process her grief, allowing her to find her own way of coping and speak to others who’ve experienced similar loss, making her feel understood. Even on her good days, she would ask herself, “Why am I smiling, why am I happy?” and realised that it’s okay to feel however you want to feel. There’s no wrong way to deal with the loss of a loved one. Ella shared that when her injury happened, she cried – not because of the injury or the pain, but because of all the emotions she hadn’t processed while trying to push through and focus on football. Those tears soon turned into a moment of clarity: “Right, this is it, I’ve got time now.” With that realisation, she took a step back, becoming stronger not just physically, but mentally too.

“Grief can hit you whenever, you can go five days without, but it’d hit you again. […] Going through it and speaking to people who’ve gone through similar really helps.”

Looking back at the past few months, Ella appreciates that her teammates didn’t treat her any differently when she returned to training the day after her dads passing, sharing that she came in straight after, because she didn’t want to make it awkward for them. She’s thankful they were there for her not only during her highest moments but also at her lowest, understanding when she was having a bad day. Even though it’s been hard, she knows she’s surrounded by good people, and with her father watching from above, she feels supported.

“You have so many highs with people in the changing rooms, but even when you’re at your lowest, they’ll always be there for you.”

If you’ve lost a loved one and need support, don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or a bereavement support organisation like Cruse (call: 0808 808 167 in the UK). Remember, you don’t have to face this alone.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/