TW – This article contains references to suicidal thoughts and depression.
Four years ago this month, I was done, fed up. I’d had enough, I didn’t want to be here anymore.
The way my life was going, it just wasn’t for me, and one September afternoon I stood on a bridge, looked down and thought about how quick it would be.
After that, let me say, a frightening experience and messaging my best mate, Ciaran, about the fact I needed help, I vowed to never let myself get as bad as I did that night. By the end of September 2022, I was on a course of sertraline which I am still taking to this day. I wanted to actively seek an environment and a new circle of people that cared about me and made me feel safe.
Up to this point, I’d already been to several Women’s Football games, including the 2022 Euros Final and we all know what happened there, but it took until after the 2023 World Cup and another nearly two years on from September 2022, for ‘my people’ to find me.
I remember it like it was yesterday. After some drinks and meeting Daisy for the first time, within a week, I was asked to be part of Beyond the Pitch, still in its infancy at this stage.
From the handful of people it was then to the vast number it is now, countless meet ups, summer and christmas parties, football and non football chats. One thing always remains the same: every time I leave after spending time with these people, I want to thank them for picking me and for saving me.
Because of these people and this sport, I’ve been able to unlock a version of myself that once seemed a distant pipe dream. Despite the majority of my closest friends being Arsenal or Chelsea fans, days out at the Pub, watching football, nights out with those that mean the most to me make the teams involved practically irrelevant (although you cannot beat a little ‘hate watch’ every now and again).
Not just those at BTP, but so many people I’ve met through this sport make me feel seen and safe. For someone who once felt like the entire world, and even their own brain, was against them, finding people who can quieten that noise and make everything feel a little easier means more than even the most talented author could ever articulate.
As we enter a new season, some memorable days have been had already, but each one means an incredible amount and long may it continue. I am so lucky to have grown into a life where I have an incredible job and the most incredible circle of people around me. But what means the most is that whenever someone asks the once-dreaded question, “Are you okay?”, I can now comfortably answer yes. There was a time when I never could have said that, and a time when I never thought I’d be able to.
The sport as a whole has given me moments of pure joy. Spurs’ famous wins over Arsenal and that FA Cup semi-final victory over Leicester are just two occasions where the women’s game has nearly brought me to tears.
Every game feels safe, like a space that welcomes you exactly as you are. People let you be yourself, whether you’re having the best day or the worst, and having somewhere that offers that kind of comfort means more than I could ever put into words.
Women’s Football and it’s people are so, so special and for me, a large part of the reason why I am still here today.
Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. You are loved, there are people who want to listen, and you never have to face everything alone. Help is out there.
For people in the UK – Call the Samaritans on 116 123 / Text SHOUT on 85258, or visit Shout: The UK’s free, confidential, 24/7 mental health text service | Shout 85258
For people in Australia – visit Home | Lifeline
For people in USA 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline | Federal Communications Commission
